The First Year

Almost tears…..

I love my daughter. She literally brings unlimited joy into my life. However she can press my buttons like no one else and she’s only 7months old.

So here begins my woeful tale (do not judge me – we’ve all been there)…..

Teething (I feel like it requires no explanation) is possibly the most gruelling, stressful and soul destroying thing as a parent, with no end in site even when those tiny little pearlers break through. We don’t have any teeth yet but my god have we been through the mill. In the past few weeks alone I’m sure I’ve gained at least a hundres grey hairs (don’t fret for me, I’m trying out a new hairdresser on Tuesday and i confident she can do the cover up). We are on out second bought of severe nappy rash. This is not just a pink bit that looks a wee bitty sore. This is full on red as a lobster, crying, hot to touch, FML nappy rash. It’s becomes this way due to the sheer volume of number 2s being caused by the aforementioned teethy pegs. Yes too much detail I know, however, we get to this point in less than 24hours and the whole world feels like it’s ending. Cue an emergency doctor’s appointment and some rather helpful cream (we attempted nappy free time but anyone who has a child that is moving on any way shape or form will agree that it’s never going to end well – in short I’m sure I need a new living room carpet).

So the cream helped (hooray) but my little cherub was still not entirely settled. That’s to the life explainer that is the wonder weeks app I soon realized that we were about to hit a rocky patch and had resigned myself to the fact it may have just come a little early. Several of the signs of the next leap were starting to become apart on my grumpy little madam.

Sleep has gone out the window, naps are a fight, bottles are half drank then wished for 5 minutes later. It’s safe to say that things have all gone a bit off. Generally she’s the happiest little lady and the most easy going.

So the day that really pushed me to the edge started incredibly early (coffee by IV anyone?). It was clear from this that we were on for a tough day. Boy was I right. Naps – what are those? Cuddles me, don’t cuddle me, don’t put me down, don’t put me near toys, nope I don’t want a nappy, I rolled over and didn’t like it, don’t want a bottle, want a bottle. By the time her dad got home not only was I bloody knackered,I was mentally drained. So naturally he walked on the door and she was a sheer delight, all smiles ( it was on no way his fault, she just was quite obviously sick of me). She crawled over to her daddy all happy. I thought if be all like yay so sst on the floor and beckoned her over ” come to mummy” “mummy cuddles”. Her dad tried “go and get mummy”. She turned looked me straight in the eyes, turned away and cuddled her dad’s leg.

My heart sank faster that the Titanic. I swallowed back the tears. I know she doesn’t understand and she won’t have know what she did but it stung. I started putting on my gym gear as I needed some space not only because I’d been on those four walls all day but I needed to not cry. Instead I went to rugby training. I reclaimed a bit of the old me.

Still now I could cry thinking of it. Nobody is to blame and it’s not really a big deal but it still hurt. Clearly I have some insecurities about my parenting, who doesn’t. I have insecurities about my life in general. I’m looking at the bigger picture and that stops me from dwelling. She is far too little to have any idea of what she is doing, far less what affect that has on other people. The following day she couldn’t get enough of me and it was her dad on the recieving end of the cold shoulder. What got to me the most, I think, was how emotionally raw I felt. Motherhood has a lot to answer for but I still wouldn’t change it for the world.

From the exhausted mummy and her eye bags

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