The phased return is now over. I’m back to work completely. Well for 3 days a week. The nursery runs are becoming the norm. All sounds pretty standard for any mum returning to work after MAT leave.
The truth. My emotions are flying about all over the place like a crazy women. I feel like a duck – above the water all is calm but underneath I’m paddling for my life. Throw in the imminent house move and well I’m sure you can imagine. My head feels like there is no switch off button. To be honest I’m pretty sure there actually isn’t a switch off button.
I was pretty excited about the prospect of getting a bit of me back when I went to work on that first day. In fact most days when I go in I am filled with joy about just doing my job. I do still love my job. I wasn’t ready to feel emotions about leaving my child. She’s fine at nursery, with her dad, with her grandparents. She’s probably having way more fun than a standard day of chores and food shopping with her mum. She’s learning new things and coming on leaps and bounds. But nothing feels quite like picking her up from nursery on a Friday and wanting to cry because i left her, She doesn’t cry. Often she would happily stay with her new little friends. Don’t get me wrong she’s never been upset (yet) about being in nursery. In fact it’s almost been too easy which may be why I’m feeling like I do. I think I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m pre preparing for her to one day get upset. This day may never come but my emotional brain is saying it will. No matter how much I think I’ll be fine the truth is I won’t be. The mummy bear will come out and I will want to do whatever it takes to make it better. The reality is that I will have tell her it’s all ok and then leave her to be consoled by the nursery staff. I will then go and cry in my car. Bloody emotions!
As for the house move…..well. It wasn’t planned. Let’s go look turned into let’s see if we can afford it. Then we did it. It’s scary. We have went all out to get a forever home. We are lucky to have a supportive family who have made getting to this point easier. With potentially only 4 weeks to go til we get the keys it’s safe to say the list in my head has never been longer. Between doing more maths than I’ve done for a long while, to plannig what can be packed now, my noggin is full. There are no vacancies for new information. I now can’t wait to be in. We have been fortunate that we’ve not actually had to wait for too long before we will be moving. It’s a new build and was on the later stages when we bought it but how people can buy from plan and wait almost years is beyond me. A couple of month almost has me full to capacity on the stress meter never mind any longer.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when life throws everything at you all at once. If I had a magic wand life would be a fairytale with songs about feelings and dances which convey emotion. Unfortunately it is not. Coping mechanisms are not one size fits all an frankly I’m not expert as I definitely creep into bad habits when I’m stressed and anxious. At least for now it’s only temporary and then we can all just get back to normality – whatever that is.
From the exhausted mummy and her eye bags